


THE STORE. A MUSICAL BY MAE

by dontdosadness



Category: The Store
Genre: F/F, M/M, by mae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 06:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17823986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontdosadness/pseuds/dontdosadness
Summary: Christine is the manager at a retail store. She works alongside her sister, Gerardaline, her brother, Lucas, his boyfriend, and her crush. This is a tragedy about how retail can ruin a persons life





	THE STORE. A MUSICAL BY MAE

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate the idea of this to my father, who always told me about the horrors of retail.
> 
> I dedicate this to all the pajama pant men, shopping cart boys, and birds in carts. Thank you for inspiring me.

ACT ONE

CRAPPY SONGS FOR CRAPPY EMPLOYEES

DANIEL  
Are you stuck at your job?  
LUCAS  
Are you dying inside?  
GERARDALINE  
Would you rather stab yourself then clean?  
CHRISTINE  
Do you know you know how much this store sucks?   
COMPANY  
Because employees are and employees do.  
Employees are and employees do.   
Employees are and employees do.  
DANIEL  
Are you cringing hard?  
LUCAS  
Are you living in your breakroom?  
GERARDALINE  
Are you thinking about hiding in the freezer?  
CHRISTINE  
Are you worried glitter is stuck in the food cans?  
DANIEL  
Lucas!  
LUCAS  
Sorry  
COMPANY  
Employees are the thing keeping the economy together!  
Cleaning it up and restocking aisles!  
Woah  
(STELLA throws pallet on the stage)  
GERARDALINE   
What the fuck? Come back you little-  
CHRISTINE  
Gee! Stop!  
GERARDALINE   
Sorry  
COMPANY  
Crappy Songs For Crappy Employees!  
Crappy Songs For Crappy Employees!  
Crappy Songs For Crappy Employees!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

(CHRISTINE steps on the applause)  
CHRISTINE  
Shut up! Shut up!! Welcome to my store.  
LUCAS  
Chrissy! I de-glittered the cans!  
CHRISTINE  
That’s great, Luke.  
DANIEL  
And I put glitter back in them again.  
GERARDALINE (spoken lifelessly)  
Heh  
STELLA  
Daniel and Lucas are so cute! How did they get together?  
CHRISTINE  
Well…  
(Scene blends into “Pallet Boy, I Love You”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
PALLET BOY, I LOVE YOU

CHRISTINE   
Okay, Dan. Just don’t get pregnant.  
DANIEL  
Yes, Chris.  
(CHRISTINE walks away)  
DANIEL  
Pallet Boy,I love you!  
Oh oh,i t’s true!  
You had no clue, that I love you.  
Pallet boy, oh woah oh  
LUCAS  
Daniel? Why are you climbing on top of me and this pallet?  
DANIEL  
Ssshh.  
LUCAS  
Just let me show you my love…  
DANIEL  
On aisle 13?  
LUCAS  
Oh, yes.  
DANIEL  
Sure, what the hell  
(DANIEL kisses LUCAS)  
COMPANY  
oh woah oh let me show you  
woah woah waoh waoh woah oh  
(COMPANY pushes them and the pallets away)  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO  
LUCAS   
And that’s how I lost my virginity!   
GERARDALINE (looking up from her phone)  
What a story.  
STELLA   
What’s a virginity?  
DANIEL   
You’re too innocent.   
(CHRISTINE screams from the next aisle over.)  
\--------------------------------------------

 

200 POUND SHOPPING CART BOY

CHRISTINE  
Get out of the cart 200 pound shopping cart boy  
You break my heart you all alone in your cart  
oh oh ohhh  
You block the burritos while you eat all your Cheetos!  
No tacos in my mouth  
I hope you realize, just what you are doing  
Get out of the cart!  
No tacos in my mouth   
\--------------------------------------------  
COMPANY

200 POUND SHOPPING CART BOY (REPRISE)

Get out of the cart 200 pound shopping cart boy  
You break my heart you all alone in your cart  
oh oh ohhh  
CHRISTINE  
Get out of the cart 200 pound shopping cart boy  
STELLA AND GERARDALINE  
Get out of the cart  
COMPANY  
No tacos in my mouth  
DANIEL  
I hope you realize,just how you are feeling.  
COMPANY   
feeling  
COMPANY  
No tacos in my mouth  
Or in my kitchen!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE  
CHRISTINE  
Well, that’s enough store related bullshit for me today. I’m going on a break.  
STELLA  
Where to? Quisney?  
CHRISTINE  
No. To my office. You and the others need to go restock aisle 13.  
STELLA  
Okie dokie! Have a good trip!  
(STELLA skips away to Aisle 13 where everyone else is. Blend into “What Happened On Aisle 13?”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
WHAT HAPPENED ON AISLE 13?

(LUCAS finds bear in aisle that is inappropriately laid)  
Oh, Daniel, paint me like one of your French bears!  
STELLA  
That’s gross! Who did that!  
DANIEL  
I can see a few punks who may have done that….  
(STELLA, LUCAS, AND DANIEL look over to see 3 boys on scooters with spray paint.)  
GERARDALINE  
Shit! Those are my friends!  
(STELLA looks behind the bear)  
Look! Someone painted a dick!  
COMPANY  
eww!  
LUCAS  
Ooh!  
DANIEL  
Sorry. He’s too gay.  
LUCAS  
It’s true. But so are you!  
DANIEL  
No! I’m pan!  
LUCAS  
Kiss me Pan Man!  
(LUCAS kisses DANIEL and the two begin sexing)  
GERARDALINE  
What happened on aisle thirteen?  
What happened? What Happened?  
What happened on aisle thirteen?  
It’s amazing just to see  
What happened on aisle thirteen.  
STELLA  
Gee,what’s that?  
LUCAS   
It’s a penis!  
DANIEL  
Why look at the fake one?  
(LUCAS pushes DANIEL off him)  
LUCAS  
Daniel!  
DANIEL  
Sorry.  
*LUCAS pulls DANIEL into his lap*  
STELLA  
What’s a penis  
LUCAS  
well...  
GERARDALINE (screaming)  
Stop! We can’t ruin her disgusting pureness!  
LUCAS  
Sorry.  
GERARDALINE  
What happened on aisle thirteen?  
COMPANY  
What happened? What Happened?  
What happened on aisle thirteen?  
It’s amazing just to see  
What happened on aisle thirteen.  
STELLA and GERARDALINE  
What happened on aisle thirteen?  
(CHRISTINE walks in)  
CHRISTINE  
Seriously,what the fuck happened?  
STELLA AND GERARDALINE  
On Aisle Thirteen!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR  
(The office flies in, CHRISTINE is sitting on the windowsill and looking at the cameras)  
CHRISTINE  
Oh my fucking God. Look at this!  
STELLA  
It’s hilarious!  
GERARDALINE  
Ha ha ha.   
DANIEL  
Why not change before going to the store?  
LUCAS  
Oh my gosh! They are wearing smiley face pants and walking stereotypically like only a character in a horribly written musical would do!  
(Blend into “Pajama Pants Man”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
PAJAMA PANTS MAN 

(The OFFICE flies in,CHRISTINE is sitting on the windowsill and looking at the cameras)  
CHRISTINE  
Oh my fucking God. Look at this!  
STELLA  
It’s hilarious!  
GERARDALINE  
Ha ha ha.   
DANIEL  
Why not change before going to the store?  
LUCAS  
Oh my gosh! They are wearing smiley face pants and walking stereotypically like only a character in a horribly written musical would do!  
CHRISTINE  
Pajama Pants Man! Pajama Pants Man.   
Couldn’t bother to change his clothes.  
STELLA  
Now everyone knows!  
He probably has no money and isn’t very funny.  
Pajama Pants Man!  
COMPANY  
Pajama Pants Man!   
CHRISTINE  
Couldn’t bother to change his clothes.  
STELLA  
Now everyone knows!  
CHRISTINE AND STELLA  
Woah woah woah  
It’s a pajama Pants Man!   
Whom we all stan!  
Oh woah!  
Pajama Pants Man!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE A

STELLA  
Well, I’m off to unstock trucks.  
DANIEL:  
Bye Stella!  
STELLA, (calling back at him)  
Bye bye!  
LUCAS  
Now that she’s gone, can we play spin the bottle?  
DANIEL  
Can we please, Chrissy?  
CHRISTINE  
Fine.  
(DANIEL and LUCAS begin to grab a bottle when they are interrupted. Blend into “Little Critter”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
LITTLE CRITTER

(LUCAS,DANIEL and CHRISTINE walk outside to the parking lot where STELLA is screaming)   
STELLA  
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!  
*STELLA is on top of LUCAS and DANIELS car*   
DANIEL  
Get the fuck off of my car asswipe!  
STELLA  
You’re mean.  
*LUCAS goes to hug DANIEL*  
LUCAS  
Are those rats? Run faster,boy! Don’t be a quitter little critter!  
LUCAS/DANIEL  
Run faster little boy! Don’t be a quitter critter.   
*STELLA jumps onto CHRISTINE*  
CHRISTINE  
Come here little critter!  
Become a quitter!  
Slow down!  
Don’t be such a clown!  
Woah,woah  
LUCAS/DANIEL/STELLA  
Go away critter!  
Become a quitter!  
Don’t be a clown!  
Slow down!  
Don’t be a quitter!  
Little Critter!  
GERARDALINE  
*grabs knife*   
I got em!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE FIVE B  
(EVERYONE walks back inside)  
LUCAS (smirking)  
So, Danny, should we continue our game?  
DANIEL  
We should. (DANIEL leans over to kiss LUCAS)  
GERARDALINE  
Quick, Stella. We need to leave.   
(GERARDALINE lifts STELLA. Blend into Scene Six)  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT ONE, SCENE SIX  
*GERARDALINE and STELLA walk inside to the beer aisle to restock*  
GERARDALINE  
So Stella,you’re 21 right?  
STELLA  
Yes! Gee! Look! It’s my name!  
GERARDALINE  
Kinky?  
STELLA  
No. The one next to it!  
It’s like some type of fruit juice!   
GERARDALINE  
Um.. Sure. Would you like one Stella?  
STELLA  
Sure thanks friend!  
GERARDALINE  
It was not fruit juice  
*LUCAS is pushing DANIEL around in a shopping cart and screaming*  
GERARDALINE  
Haven’t you people ever heard of calming the fuck down?!  
STELLA  
*begins screaming pop lyrics*  
ITS LIKE IM FLYING AWAY ON A CLOUD TO SOME FARAWAY LAND THAT IS TOO FAR FOR ME TO WALK THERE WHILE I RETHINK MY LIFE AND MUNCH ON SOME GRANOLA BARS AND FLY AWAY TO SPACE WOHO  
*walks away*  
STELLA  
Wooooooooooooooooooooo  
ooooooooooopppppppppppp  
\--------------------------------------------  
INTERMISSION  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT TWO

 

LETS GO TO THE STORE

(COMPANY and CHARACTERS stand on pallets under a spotlight for each of them)  
COMPANY/CHARACTERS   
Let's go to the store  
Let's go to the store  
We need groceries   
And nothing more!  
DANIEL  
Oh woah the store   
Let's go to the store  
We need to buy some stuff  
So let's go  
LUCAS  
Woah yeah, the store!  
Let's hope there's nothing more.  
Like..  
GERARDALINE  
Penis drawings, spray paint, missing products, Stale food, etcetera  
STELLA  
We shouldn't see those though  
Because I clean every hour!  
Is that an aisle full of flour?   
Oh my god, this store is a mess!  
COMPANY  
Let's go to the store  
Let's go to the store  
We need groceries   
And nothing more!  
CHRISTINE  
I am not proud of this junk pile I call a store  
I wish I could say it was something more,  
But I'd be lying... But goddamn-it! I'm trying!  
(CHRISTINE falls on the floor, curling into a ball)  
COMPANY  
Christine loses her shit. Again.  
(Fade into “Christine loses her shit”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
CHRISTINE LOSES HER SHIT

I don't look to cause a mess.  
I don't look to keep the store this way.  
God, this shit is turning me into a disaster gay!  
This store is ruining my life!  
(CHRISTINE grabs a black flask with the word "GERARDALINE" written on it and takes a swig)  
This store causes so much stress!  
Cuz on every aisle, there's a ripped up dress!  
And that's not always it-  
How am I supposed deal with this shit?  
I don't look to cause a mess.  
I don't look to keep the store this way.  
God, this shit is turning me into a disaster gay!  
This store is ruining my life!  
(CHRISTINE bangs her head against a desk in her office and screams)  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE  
(CHRISTINE walks outside)  
STELLA  
Christine! Look at all those birds in the cart!!  
CHRISTINE  
Yeah, yeah, that's really- HOLY SHIT!  
DANIEL  
So majestic.  
LUCAS  
Yeah Yeah Yeah   
DANIEL  
So wonderful   
LUCAS  
Mhm  
(GERARDALINE approaches, and the stage looks as if it is a garage band and Gee is the singer. Blend into “Birds In The Cart”)  
\--------------------------------------------  
BIRDS IN THE CART

GERARDALINE  
There's a bird in the cart  
Fuck yeah, there's a bird in the cart  
I know that it's not right,  
But it's all out of spite for Christine  
Oh woah yeah, it's a bird in the cart  
It's all out of spite and it feels so right  
There's a bird in the cart  
STELLA  
Hello buddy!! AHH! It pecked my finger!!  
DANIEL  
Two birds!  
LUCAS  
Tres!  
CHRISTINE  
Quatro   
STELLA  
Now it’s Doce!!  
(GERARDALINE falls on ground like the lead singer in an Acid Rock band)  
GERARDALINE  
There's a bird in the cart  
Fuck yeah, there's a bird in the cart  
I know that it's not right,  
But it's all out of spite for Christine  
Oh woah yeah, it's a bird in the cart  
It's all out of spite and it feels so right  
There's a bird in the cart  
Yeah!  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO  
CHRISTINE  
Just more mess for me.  
STELLA  
I’m sorry about that, I try my best to keep the store clean.  
(STELLA goes into the office)  
\--------------------------------------------  
STELLA’S NOT SO INNOCENT LAMENT

STELLA   
It's hard to remain so innocent  
When you work at a retail store.  
A mother fucking retail store- (STELLA gasps at herself, catching her behavior and changing it)  
Sorry, a mother freaking retail store.  
But, life is amazing! No. It's not.  
I used to be so innocent  
God, what happened to that  
Now it's just things I don't understand  
Things I have to pretend to not know   
This store has ruined my childhood  
I didn't know it could  
But my innocence is gone  
Because I work at a mother freaking retail store!  
Sorry. I have to do this.  
(STELLA winces as she begins to improvise cussing, STELLA screams before falling on the ground and cuddling a unicorn stuffed animal)  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT TWO, SCENE THREE  
(DANIEL and LUCAS walk into the office)  
DANIEL  
Don’t be sad! (He hugs her)  
(STELLA smiles)  
LUCAS  
That’s our girl! Go out there to aisle 13!  
STELLA  
Okay!  
(STELLA leaves, and DANIEL begins to cry a bit as LUCAS wipes his eyes with a tissue)  
\--------------------------------------------  
PALLET GIRL, I LOVE YOU

CHRISTINE  
*walks over to STELLA who is restocking aisles*  
Pallet girl, I love you!  
Oh oh, it’s true!  
You had no clue, that I love you.  
Pallet girl ,oh woah oh  
STELLA  
Christine? Why are you on top of me?  
CHRISTINE  
Ssshh.  
CHRISTINE  
Just let me show you my love…  
STELLA  
On aisle 13? This aisle?  
CHRISTINE  
Oh, yes.  
STELLA  
Sure, best friend!  
STELLA kisses CHRISTINE  
COMPANY  
oh woah oh let me show you  
woah woah waoh waoh woah oh  
(COMPANY pushes them and the Pallets away just when things begin to get interesting)  
GERARDALINE   
*crawls out from a shelf*  
I gotta fricking tape off this aisle so they stop making out on top of the products. At least next time Chris should tell me so I can hide some bleach here.  
\--------------------------------------------  
ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR/ CRAPPY SONGS FOR CRAPPY EMPLOYEES (REPRISE)

DANIEL  
It’s the gay icons of this!  
LUCAS   
Yay!   
(truck drives over LUCAS)  
LUCAS  
Aaaaaaaaaaaa  
(LUCAS dies)’  
GERARDALINE  
This is a musical,of course one of the gay boys had to die.  
(COMPANY surrounds the three of them, and begins to sing “Crappy Songs For Crappy Employees” creepily)  
COMPANY  
Are you stuck at your job?  
Are you dying inside?  
Would you rather stab yourself then clean?  
Do you know you know how much this store sucks?   
Because employees are and employees do.  
Employees are and employees do.   
Employees are and employees do.  
(COMPANY and CHARACTERS fall on the ground. Blackout.)  
\--------------------------------------------  
END OF MUSICAL


End file.
